Looked Good On Paper

Dallas has a “Lovey”. Something a child gets attached to and doesn’t go anywhere without it. In our case is a blue blanket. My aunt gave it to us when Conner was born. When Dallas was born we started using it and he loved it. He never took a pacifier or sucked his thumb, but he LOVED that blanket.

He had the hardest time letting go of it  when it was time to put it in the washer. But I tried to make a game of it. He barely let me put it 3 minutes in the dryer!

On Saturday Dallas and I went to the mall. I had to find a dress for a party we were attending that night. Of course, Blankie (that’s how he named it) came with us. It was a rather frustrating trip, he wasn’t cooperating much, we were getting tired, I wanted to get out of there. As soon as we got back, I realized that Blankie was gone. I called the mall office, left my name and number. I called the last store we were in, they didn’t see it. I went back last night to ask the rest of the stores we were in, nothing.

Blankie is gone.

I was bracing myself for his reaction. That he wouldn’t sleep for days, asking for his Blankie. He cried when I first told him, he looked for it for a few moments yesterday morning, and just now (6 am) woke up asking for it again. I told him: “we left it at the mall, buddy, I’m sorry”. He cried a little bit and went back to sleep.

Me? I’m going to confess something here. I’ve been crying a lot more. While I was driving back from the mall, I started to sob like I lost a friend. I think I did lose a friend. I couldn’t understand why a 29 year old woman is crying because we lost a piece of fabric. But Ben said something to the effect of ‘a member of the family’. And he’s right. That Blankie was another member of our family. It traveled hundreds of miles with us when we moved. We snuggled with it watching movies, we took naps with it, wrapped his babies with it (he thought it was the funniest thing ever Took it everywhere. And we lose it less than 2 miles from home.

If someone took it then I don’t get it. That thing is not pretty or expensive. It’s been worn and washed a hundred times. You can tell it belongs to a kid that uses it constantly. Why would they need it? My son does, and every time he asks about it, my heart breaks a little more.

I’m still hoping it will turn up. It has to be somewhere in that place. But I also know that if it doesn’t show up in the next few days, then it means that it’s gone. It’s time to move on. For him, and for me.

At the beginning of the month I flew (one last time) to Utah so I could take my Citizenship Oath. What an awesome experience! It was held in the Rose Wagner Theater in downtown Salt Lake and I did it along with 200 people. A judge presided the ceremony, we said the Pledge of Allegiance, sang the National Anthem and for the first time I put my hand over my heart. It felt so strange, but it also felt good.

It’s been almost 10 years since I came into this country. During the ceremony some people were asked how long the process took, how long have they been living in the country, what were their feelings right then. I thought about the last question. And I felt proud, happy. Here, I always had a job, I met wonderful people, its health care system and the people working in it gave the best care to my son, I met and married an amazing man. Because of these jobs I always had I was able to travel through some states and discovered what a beautiful country this is. It really is a country of opportunities.

In this country you can dream, set goals and if you work hard you can reach them. You are given the chance to voice your opinions, your concerns and your ideas freely. You can live in a safe place and choose any religion or belief you want. I will always be grateful for being able to call myself a U.S. Citizen. I will always love my native country, but unfortunately it’s not the country it once was. I still want to take my husband and son to visit sometime, but I just can’t live there anymore.

Soon I’ll register to vote. And I hope that I can give something in return to the country that has given me so much.

About 10 days or so ago we went back to Utah for the 4th time this year.  And I’m going back again next week. But that one doesn’t count for 2009 and it’s only for 24 hrs. I’ll tell you about it when I come back.

Anyway, this latest trip was our 1st annual skiing trip. We made reservations at a hotel right next to the Powder Mountain lodge. But. There wasn’t any snow!! Hello middle of December! Remember? It snows right about this time. Got the memo too late.

We found snow in another resort, Snowbasin. We went with Ben’s brother Jake and we had a great time. I was the sissy one and stayed on the bunny hill the whole time. I did better than the last time we went, I felt a little more confident, especially after not falling once out of the lift.

The part I was looking forward the most was sitting in the lodge, hot cocoa, the fireplace right next to me and the latest Nicholas Sparks book. Aaaahhh! Heaven. Dallas stayed with some of his cousins that day. We’ll take him skiing next year.

We ate at most of our favorite places, we visited a lot of friends and family, we had a great time.

Dallas had a blast with his cousins, loved playing in the snow and looked so freaking cute wearing that hat!!

We came back and had an awesome Christmas, this is the first year that Dallas was old enough to start grasping the concept of Christmas, although we’re not sure we’ll tell him about Santa, we just might flat out tell him that people tell their kids about him just for fun, we haven’t decided yet.

How was yours? Did you eat yummy things? Got great presents? Saw the wonderful people in your life?

Happy 2010!!!

3 years have come and gone since the last time I held Conner in my arms.

I’m not the same person I was when he was still here. I changed. Pain and time do that to you. I’m sorry this won’t be a happy post, I’m still angry, I’m still grieving, this isn’t fair.

Yes I am happy that he made me a mom, that I had almost 2 years to take care of him, to love him, to hold him. But that’s it? Just 2 measly years? Why not a lifetime? Why couldn’t I see him start school, graduate, meet a girl, get married, have babies?

Some days they feel almost normal, I do my things, I go to work. Other days something will trigger a memory and there I go. I keep thinking of other things and I’ll cry, those days I want to be at his grave site more than any other time. I’m so grateful that I had to go to Utah 3 times in the last 4 months. I visited him and talked to him every time. We left him a little Christmas tree.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he left us, or why did he have to suffer so much from day 1. I just know that I love him, and I think about him every single day. Maybe there is something to be done in his memory for others. Maybe that will lessen the pain.

Things are nice and quiet, just the way we like them. On Oct 11th Ben and I had a day long date at Harding Park, where the President’s Cup was going on. I have never been at a real golf tournament before and I was able to enjoy it more since I started playing a little golf here and there. We took our folding chairs and planted ourselves on Hole 3 where we saw all the players putt. Even Tiger!! It was crazy to see him and other famous people so close. The event didn’t allow cameras or cell phones, but since Ben was volunteering and came in at 6am, we were able to sneak them in and took a few pictures, hehe. Here’s a couple:

That's Tiger!

Michael Jordan

Phil Mickelson

It was a great day.

In other news, Dallas is now sleeping in a big boy bed. The last few days he kept climbing out of the crib, so that right there told us it was time to move on. He still leaves the bed, but maybe one of these days he’ll get it. Yesterday and the day before he found 2 big bottles of baby powder which he proceeded to empty all over the crib, the blankets, his babies, the dresser, etc. I had an awesome time cleaning that up;  today I asked him what else he had in store for my entertainment.

In work news I need to take an Acute Care training they offer for CNA’s because even though this job is great experience for me I need to find something better. A hospital would be awesome. They have terrible management at the place I’m at, but I’m gonna have to stay for a year or so. Hey, at least I have a job, right?

That’s all I have for now. I’ll leave you with this:

here's my looney toon

my little boy was born

My goodness, he’s grown so much

We love you buddy!!! Momma and Dada

Time keeps passing. 31 months without you today.

I love you so much.

Mama.

Hello Interweb, I decided to stop by at my own blog to check you out. Need anything? Cool drink? A pillow? You’re good? OK.
People, I passed that damn test! I’m a Certified Nursing Assistant. Very happy. I was nervous as hell, and I was this () close to fail my skills portion (where you demonstrate different cares) but I drove back home with a smile, and a certificate from the American Red Cross on the passenger seat.
You know how I told you that I would be busy entertaining friends and family for a while? We just shipped one friend back to Utah and now we have 5 days before my parents and younger brother arrive. The day after they leave, my sister in law, her husband and 1 year old baby will be here.
And after they leave, I’ll start drinking. Heavily.

A few days ago we found a list of 50 things to do in San Francisco over at Alpha Mom . And decided it would make for great posts. We (as in Ben, Dallas and yours truly) are going to do every single thing in that list. I’ll come here and report on each activity, with pictures, links and a review. And the next time you’re in San Francisco and you wonder what to do/see, where to eat, you can come here for a little help. You can just take me out for dinner at House of Nanking in Chinatown. That should be thanks enough.

And it’ll stay that way for another 2 or 3 weeks. Tomorrow I’m taking the test that will allow me to answer in this manner when asked what do I do for a living: “I’m a CNA”.
I’m nervous (who isn’t?) and my husband and mom have blind confidence that I’m going to ace the test. I’m trying to think like them, I really am. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Then we have Ben’s good friend Kelly that’s visiting for a few days and the week after that my family is coming over.
I’ll come back.
Eventually.