Looked Good On Paper

About 10 days or so ago we went back to Utah for the 4th time this year.  And I’m going back again next week. But that one doesn’t count for 2009 and it’s only for 24 hrs. I’ll tell you about it when I come back.

Anyway, this latest trip was our 1st annual skiing trip. We made reservations at a hotel right next to the Powder Mountain lodge. But. There wasn’t any snow!! Hello middle of December! Remember? It snows right about this time. Got the memo too late.

We found snow in another resort, Snowbasin. We went with Ben’s brother Jake and we had a great time. I was the sissy one and stayed on the bunny hill the whole time. I did better than the last time we went, I felt a little more confident, especially after not falling once out of the lift.

The part I was looking forward the most was sitting in the lodge, hot cocoa, the fireplace right next to me and the latest Nicholas Sparks book. Aaaahhh! Heaven. Dallas stayed with some of his cousins that day. We’ll take him skiing next year.

We ate at most of our favorite places, we visited a lot of friends and family, we had a great time.

Dallas had a blast with his cousins, loved playing in the snow and looked so freaking cute wearing that hat!!

We came back and had an awesome Christmas, this is the first year that Dallas was old enough to start grasping the concept of Christmas, although we’re not sure we’ll tell him about Santa, we just might flat out tell him that people tell their kids about him just for fun, we haven’t decided yet.

How was yours? Did you eat yummy things? Got great presents? Saw the wonderful people in your life?

Happy 2010!!!

3 years have come and gone since the last time I held Conner in my arms.

I’m not the same person I was when he was still here. I changed. Pain and time do that to you. I’m sorry this won’t be a happy post, I’m still angry, I’m still grieving, this isn’t fair.

Yes I am happy that he made me a mom, that I had almost 2 years to take care of him, to love him, to hold him. But that’s it? Just 2 measly years? Why not a lifetime? Why couldn’t I see him start school, graduate, meet a girl, get married, have babies?

Some days they feel almost normal, I do my things, I go to work. Other days something will trigger a memory and there I go. I keep thinking of other things and I’ll cry, those days I want to be at his grave site more than any other time. I’m so grateful that I had to go to Utah 3 times in the last 4 months. I visited him and talked to him every time. We left him a little Christmas tree.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he left us, or why did he have to suffer so much from day 1. I just know that I love him, and I think about him every single day. Maybe there is something to be done in his memory for others. Maybe that will lessen the pain.