Looked Good On Paper

3 years have come and gone since the last time I held Conner in my arms.

I’m not the same person I was when he was still here. I changed. Pain and time do that to you. I’m sorry this won’t be a happy post, I’m still angry, I’m still grieving, this isn’t fair.

Yes I am happy that he made me a mom, that I had almost 2 years to take care of him, to love him, to hold him. But that’s it? Just 2 measly years? Why not a lifetime? Why couldn’t I see him start school, graduate, meet a girl, get married, have babies?

Some days they feel almost normal, I do my things, I go to work. Other days something will trigger a memory and there I go. I keep thinking of other things and I’ll cry, those days I want to be at his grave site more than any other time. I’m so grateful that I had to go to Utah 3 times in the last 4 months. I visited him and talked to him every time. We left him a little Christmas tree.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he left us, or why did he have to suffer so much from day 1. I just know that I love him, and I think about him every single day. Maybe there is something to be done in his memory for others. Maybe that will lessen the pain.