5 years have gone by since we held our beautiful Conner. 5 years. I have to keep repeating it because I can’t believe it has been this long. How is this possible? How come his brother keeps growing, how come we get older and he will always be the almost 2 year old. That hurts too. The fact that the he was robbed from celebrating one more Christmas, his 2nd birthday. And more. We wanted more, more holidays, lots of birthdays, a whole lifetime. Instead all we have left is photos of a much too short life and memories that sadly get buried deeper and deeper in my mind.
I’m still angry. At the universe, at whoever wants to take the blame, from stealing him from my arms.
So the best I can do is to teach his brother what a wonderful baby he was. How he’d cry when nurses would draw blood for the one hundredth time, yet a few minutes later he would bat at his Slinky or a piece of paper. He needs to know that he had an amazing brother. And he will.
In his memory I invited friends and family to release balloons with us. I received many messages and photos from so many people that loves us and him, he touched so many lives. We live you so much special angel, I know you’re waiting for us, up with the stars and the moon, playing with your balloons.
I blog about married life, motherhood, being a CNA, living in San Francisco, trying not to forget Castellano and living after child loss. 
